Invective, In Vain…


Spoken verbiage of promises and paeans, have become only erstwhile abstractions upon a reprobated mind. I find that I have been worshipping a God Almighty who offered seasoned wine and endless ceremonies of intoxication. All to no avail.

Insidious were his sweet hymns which lured me into the dark woods. Plump tree trunks condensed and cluttered together; the rich branches grandiloquently absorbed all light and sound. Her darkness is vacuum, and his voice comes from within me for he is the illusory dagger which leads me to such dissolute actions. I made my way through the immutable path which was paved for me between the staunch trunks of the trees. The lit path I saw, but my destination was unknown; that is the order of life, a broken horizon holding nothing but a vicious languid freefall-freedom. Such is the path people who are without inhibitions walk.

I followed the voice of my inner acolyte until I found myself upon a spacious greensward. I found it to be a theatre mimicking my incomprehensible rage for I saw nothing with meaning, nothing with reason; only the sedge and rush and grass, vehemently wavering back and forth, no progress nor growth, contrasted the stillness of the dark woods behind me. I walked through the greensward, but now the voice of my acolyte went mute. I looked askance at the red sky and cursed a God who had failed me, a God I now had trouble believing in. I closed my eyes and fell on the ground: freefall, no inhibitions, nothing at all: no promises or paeans were left for me.

My eyes opened to see a vast greenery spread upon the sides of a valley which was separated by a still black river. A sheath of mist covered the waters like a translucent piece of white cloth, seducing me to dive in it like the deep black abysmal eyes of an enchanted worshiper. So I leaped into the river like an amphibian predator; I dived deep into the eyes of the seductive enchantress; I marauded deep into the abyss until I saw the light of the surface no more. I attempted to rise again, but sea weeds wrapped around me and pulled me down. Darkness reigned from within and without. I closed my eyes and saw the reflection of the blank outside world…   

…I opened my eyes and found myself surrounded by a matrix of white shining numbers. A high piercing sound ran right through me like an arrow. I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer, so I closed hoping to attain a sort of relief, but the darkness within could not hold off the light without. I shouted and pleaded for the sound to stop or for my ears to go numb, but no ministrations would comfort me, so I walked on, hands on ears and eyes closed, through the labyrinth of white glaring numbers. As I walked through the field of numbers I realized that there is no salvation promised for me. Atonement is impossible and deliverance is unattainable. Numbers I could not understand and nature I was not part of anymore. I am alone, alienated, put aside. I am human and no longer known. I am estranged.

I see the end: I will be drained in and out; i will disintegrate and dissolve into emptiness; i will crumble like an old jug; i will break into sixteen million little particles of unknown, unfelt dust. This is a narration of imminent and inevitable forgetfulness.

No verbiage of promises or paeans I sung will ever be heard or heeded. I will not be forgotten, for I shall not be remembered. I never existed as soul, as flesh, as mind, as thought, as action. I am not and will never be real in falsity, for I am not found in a world of truth, but in a world of emptiness.


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